We sometimes become overwhelmed with feelings that we didn't do something well enough. However if we did our best in any event then that is absolutely enough and all anyone can expect... regardless of what anyone else thinks.
This quote and its sentiment helps keep me grounded. Even when I have difficult days. I have come to realise the fragility of recovery from a period of mental ill-health. Or perhaps this is just a fragility of life. I am not sure. I have come to realise that it really is a long term process. 90% of days are good at the moment; but sometimes I get caught out, caught by surprise and it floors me. Deep seated triggers get activated by someone or a situation.
I have recently discovered that I am sensitive to what I can only describe as being ‘invalidated’. This is when people either ignore what I bring or overtly challenge it to the point where it feels I have wasted my time. It makes me feel a primal emotion deep down... I suppose it is one of threat. If I am honest it scares me. I feel exposed and this feeling builds. In some situations I have had a panic attack in my head. My ears ringing so loud I can’t hear properly. The people around me are probably oblivious.
I guess it comes from the basic human desire to be accepted socially by my peers, to feel worthy for what I offer to the people and the world around me.
Abraham Lincoln also said, “Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say, for one, that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow-men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem. How far I shall succeed in gratifying this ambition is yet to be developed.”
On the positive side, I have discovered something. I have discovered that I need validation. I need some degree of recognition for what I bring to a situation.
I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want or need to be right all the time. I am a learner in my life and one of my core values is curiosity. A big way to learn it to try and get something wrong. It’s all about the process though.
I am taking my mindfulness practice to the next level, starting next week. I am starting some 121 coaching with a guy who’s been doing it for some 15 years. This little gem, that I have recently discovered about myself, is going to be a key area of focus in these sessions. I don’t want to drown it out but I am curious to see if I can learn how to lessen its hold on me.